Everything that has happened on earth (and maybe beyond
earth) to this present moment has influenced what I am and what this present
moment is. Everything that happens in
this present moment affects and shapes the future. Thus the present moment is truly a part of
Eternity, and if I am in the present moment I am part of Eternity.
I spent most of my life desperately avoiding the present
moment because it seemed (and sometimes can be) very dangerous. Often I did this in ways that are considered
positive, essentially ways to make the future better, intuitively hoping I
could then join in. Things like getting a
couple doctorate degrees, various types of psychotherapy, prescribed
medications, vitamins and herbal products, exercise, weight loss, 12-step
programs, etc. I also did it in negative
ways, like overeating, alcohol, nicotine, drugs, etc, as well as some
neutral ways, like pursuing hobbies and buying toys, living in picturesque settings, and above all lots of
thinking and planning.
And at times I successfully created a fairly comfortable
world where it would have been reasonably safe to join the present moment. However, the only thing I knew to do was
continue to try to make things better. I
had no idea how to join the moment, and above all, the moment still did not
seem safe (even if it mostly was).* There were parts of myself and what I call
my visceral beliefs about myself and the world that I was not able to accept. In fact I was typically so far from accepting them that I could not see them anywhere near accurately.
My hope is that this blog will be about how I have and
continue to explore, discover, and embrace every part of myself and the world,
so that I can be whole, free, and part of Eternity. My experience thus far seems to indicate the
path leads to exactly what I have always wanted and does so to an extent that
is indescribably beautiful and wonderful.
The extent seems to be related to my ability at any given
time to surrender myself to the process and moment. However, let me be as clear as possible
because this misconception held me back as much as anything. When I say the extent seems to be related to
my ability at any given time to surrender myself to the process and moment, I
mean only for that moment. If I wait
until I am ready, willing or able to surrender myself completely and forever, I
likely never will do so.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was
You know Chad
It turns out that really aligning with a Moment even every
now and then can and does change me and my life. In fact it generally does so much more than excruciating
planning and effort, while being an incredibly fulfilling, meaningful and
joyous path.
*The moment can never be completely safe.
Thank YOU so much Chad for being a part of my life since early 2003.
ReplyDeleteEarl Marsh M.D. .. wrote the A.A. Big Book story .. Physician Heal Thyself .. Page 301 of the Fourth Edition (his story was also in the Third Edition) .. lived in the greater San Francisco Bay Area (Walnut Creek) would always begin his Open Talks by saying words to the effect of :
To move forward you must completely and totally accept yourself as you are now in this moment ..
He always stressed acceptance of self as you are today in the present Chad .. Not as you wish to or hope to become at some future time.
I really like the title of this your new website Chad ..
Smiles and Best Wishes .. Cap in Hong Kong ..
Thanks Cap. As I look back over the last 11 years I realize I have not taken many of your suggestions quickly or anywhere near precisely. At the same time your guidance and experience has been completely indispensable. It probably would have been much quicker and easier if I had followed your suggestions more, but my method of trudging seems to be a little more independent. At the same time when I have gotten to forks in the road or have seemingly received some insight that seemed like it might be right or might be wrong, the things you have shared with me have often been the extra nudge of confidence I needed to follow what is shaping up to be a really fulfilling and rewarding path.
DeleteI might have already mentioned part of this to you at some point, but to this day, I think the most direct and clearest answer I have ever gotten to a prayer involved what you are talking about. It was about the time we met 11 years ago and I was just sure I was never going to measure up to what I needed to be.
DeleteIn frustration and defeat I asked God in prayer, what He expected or wanted from me. The answer came back quickly and clearly and the content really surprised me. The answer was, accept all of yourself exactly how you are - how I made you. At first I had a real sense of relief, thinking I should be able to do that. Then I thought about it a little more and realized how hard it would actually be. However, I was mistaken at the time about what it would require and why it would be hard. I was under the illusion that my thinking mind needed to mentally accept all of myself.*
Currently, I believe the only way to accept myself, is to join into life and whatever moment I find myself in with a humble, honest/authentic and generous spirit or attitude. As such it must be repeated for each moment and is not a one-time occurrence. Fortunately, as you have observed and shared, if this is done in any particular moment, it can be life changing and lead to more of itself - that desirable spirit or attitude (I inadequately tried to describe) becoming a larger part of ourselves and how we live.
*This reminds me of a time before we met where I thought for about a year that I had made a decision (in the 3rd step) to turn my will and life over to the care of God and was valiantly trying really hard to mentally do this, when in actuality I was just procrastinating. Steps 4-12 are the 12 Step’s way of turning our will and lives over to the care of God. I was mentally trying to do it because I did not want to go through with steps 4-12 as a way of life.
Good and interestng thoughts Chad .. Smiles ..
Delete