Fitting in

I can relate (to not feeling like I fit in) but I was probably much more extreme, and of course I am not saying any of this necessarily applies to you. I really did not have friends K-12. For example I went home for lunch every day K-12 to avoid the pain of being obviously alone. Actually being alone was not that bad, just somewhat lonely rather than very painfully alone when in a group. When I was 16yo though I would drive 80 miles many, if not most, weekends to hang out with cousins 4-6 years older. Before that it was mainly just a younger brother and dogs that I could connect with.

The first couple years of undergrad I lived with one of those cousins and hung out with his friends and developed a hard drinking entertaining people persona and carried that with me to another undergrad and for the first time kind of had my own friends who mostly seemed to enjoy me except when I went way too far, which was not uncommon. Basically, I think I am saying I developed a persona/role/ego that was capable of without too much discomfort hanging out in groups, about a decade or two after most. While this ego/role/persona is something we ideally overcome to a big extent to allow authentic wholeness internally and at the same time with everything else, it was a huge step for me to finally develop a workable form of it.

Unfortunately, I have found that all groups demand everyone assume a role, even if that role is to rebel in various ways against that group. They also have something like stereotypes about themselves and their members you are not supposed to buck too much. In this way the group can have predictability so members feel secure if they follow their role, and this security is traditionally one of the main reasons people want to be in a group. So today, I am OK assuming a variety of roles in a variety of groups, but experience much of it as a façade, and I do not have much desire to spend much of my time like that. Fortunately, most of the time today I seem to be able to connect at a deeper level (than the façade) with almost anyone when one on one (or in very small groups dedicated to moving past the façade), and that is how I choose to spend most of my free time, when I can find anyone interested.