The Cost and Reward

A Facebook (FB) comment on a friend’s post regarding something like confessing our sins to one another and not having anything to lose in doing so. 

Allow me to start as a contrarian. It is one of my favorite roles, and I hope helpful for getting past jargon that is too easily unconsciously discarded.

I’m wondering if we are from the same planet. My experience is that the world we live in is often cruel and traumatic, specifically because it often overtly or subtly exploits our brokenness (aka vulnerabilities, weaknesses, insecurities). Being cool or popular when we are growing up is often by hiding our own vulnerabilities and shaming those of others or at least implying we will if needed to keep our status, including by preventing others from exposing our own. Similar, slightly more sophisticated models of the same basic dynamics happen in almost all personal relationships as well as all organizations.

Your comment seemed to imply that we hide our brokenness to look good and I guess I am saying that a bit also. However, I think we do it much more out of fear of being hurt than it being that important to us to be popular. We focus on the popularity or looking good because even that is a way to hide our vulnerabilities and the best protection to keep the world from knowing our vulnerabilities.

My overall point of course is that we have very good reasons to hide our brokenness. Acknowledging that first while also sharing how much better and more enjoyable it is to share all of ourselves, exactly as we are, is what I am trying to add.

I have experience with both extremes. I am not exaggerating when I say I did not have any friends growing up. I went home for lunch everyday k-12, because having this drawn into focus at lunch was way too painful. I cannot pinpoint any reason I was unable to have friends other than I was unwilling to be vulnerable or to even subtly exploit others vulnerabilities to keep them at a safe distance from this core of mine that seemed to need protection at all costs.

On the other extreme, when I decided to start my second blog and use my real name and disclose my past and current issues, I had an extremely intense spiritual experience. For a few hours I had a sustained euphoria greater than I think is pharmaceutically possible. Unfortunately, I would know because during an ugly time in my life a long time ago I used so many opiates a few times that I absolutely could not stay awake without also taking a bunch of amphetamines. Anyway, this spiritual experience was much more intense.

To related it to those not so screwed up to almost kill themselves with drugs, the mildest it was for a few hours was like the height of a really good orgasm and then it radiated up from there many times. I could actually control how intense it was by what I purposely focused on and after a few hours I was exhausted and decided to move on. At the same time I could recapture a decent amount of it for a week or so whenever I wanted, and I can get to a milder form that is still very intense euphoria ever since.

That was probably about 15 years in the making though. Somewhere in the first year of recovery from alcoholism and more briefly drug addiction, I received the clearest feedback I have ever received from God. In desperation I was asking what God expected of me. I was entirely sure I was not going to be able to meet it, but I wanted to know because I was tired of failing and would give it a try. The answer came back quickly and clearly and was “accept yourself exactly as you are.” My first reaction was, wow, maybe I can do that. Then I thought about it a little longer and realized how hard it would be. For a decade and a half though I have been trying with various amounts of success.

Unfortunately, I soon realized that I would have to share everything about me with at least a few others to start to accomplish this. I did not really do it though until I was absolutely sure I was not going to make it any other way, and even then I did it in very small pieces at first. After a while I got good at it and probably even relied on it too much with a few close friends. When I say I might have done too much I mean I did a little too much sharing of my objectionable parts and not quite enough feeling the pain they cause me and others and having that pain motivate me to find better ways.

Starting the second blog though was when for at least that moment I had decided to lay it all out there for anyone to see with the hope that it might help others find the fairly consistent peace and well-being I have gotten to experience for several years now. I was not looking for the euphoric spiritual experiences, as they are almost too intense, they feel selfish if I stay in them long, and they are totally exhausting. Fortunately, I can choose how intense they are and other than when I simply want to see how strong it can get I keep them mostly toned down.

It has become very clear that what precipitates them and their intensity is how fully I am willing to share myself with and try to benefit The Entirety, which includes Eternity in both directions, aka God.